Mood Swings && Jealousy

Mmm. They do not work for me lemme tell ya.
Im so unhappy with my life as it is right now. And what makes matters worse is I have a faint feeling that it's only going to get worse.
I've been moody lately. And no it's not thanks to my damn period damnit. I don't know what it is. But fact is, I'm sad. And lonely. Increasingly so. Which is actually funny. I get attention.. but maybe it's just not the attention I need? Ehh whatever. That doesn't even make sense.

Oh.. and the jealousy thing. Yeah. Okay.. so I'm a member of this forum for ss/bbw's & FA's, Fat-Forums, and lemme tell you it's addicting. So far I love it. Im even kinda sorta a model on there! And it has been a big self esteem pick me up. But... I can't help but be envious of some of the girls. I'm not saying I hate being fat. I've grown to accept it. But... Sometimes I wished I looked like more of the "plumpers" as I've found they're called. I'm just.. round with a pretty face. And it makes me feel inferrior to those with a full bust and hips and small waist. Like damnit why cant I look like her!! And sometimes, I see these girls that are smaller than me, and they're actually doing the gaining thing! Like.. I have no problem with that but I wanna be like OMGOSH! YOU HAVE THE BODY I WANT AND YOU DONT WANT IT!? Grr. I guess we could switch places though huh? Idk. Im trying to do something about it but damnit its so effin hard. Meh. Depressing

- Evie

[[ Edit; 2:38am ]]

I logged on the myspace today. New messages. Yay? No...

This is what it said --

w/e i aint puttin up wit ur bullshit this time around sorry too bad boohoo so sad. cause on some real shit i noticed tht shit wat i told u on the fone. wen u have a bf its fuck me u cud care less if u talk to me but wen ur single all of a sudden u want me n u love n care bout me so much right??? fuck tht shit. so wat if i was lyin? i said i didnt wana b wit u. not in a relationship. nd yea i mite have led you on but u shoulda been smater then that. i aint the best lookin muhfucka but i got a str8 head on my shoulders now and i noe i dont need tht typa bullshit so take it how u want it shortii. im done with you. its whatever now.

Thats from my ex Carlos. Hmph. Our story is long. But it consisted of him dumping me, leading me on for 6 months, getting mad when I did have a boyfriend, and pulling that shit when I'm single. It started cuz he recently was locked up. This was in july. Before this (from may to that point) me and him were talking. I kept telling him I missed and loved him, and he kept sayin he felt the same but didnt want a relationship. Mmkay. So I hear from him again two weeks back. Cool. We hit it off as usual. I didnt have him on my friends anymore. I go to his page. Whats it say? "I love my wifey 6/28/08". So now Im like wtf motherfucker!! Oh he can be mad at me for having a bf.. but he gets with some bitch when he's sittin there lyin to me!? UGH!!! I swear if I ever see him again. I feel sick. Im angry. I wanna fuckin cry. And eat. I wanna eat everything. Wtf

I need someone... =(