I'm backkkk

Man... it's been awhile hasn't it?
I'm still here.
I think, lol.

Updates;

Im actually sticking to my diet!
I've lost 9 lbs in about three weeks, which might not sound like much but it's a start. I'm not sticking to it as much as I should, especially with all the cooking going on. But after Thursday that will change.

I have a boyfriend. Nothing to elaborate about. It's not really going anywhere. We'll probably dump the title and go back to fuck buddies before Christmas.

I thought I had lost that guy I had the situation with. Turns out I didn't. And I should have known better than to think he would just disappear on me like that. Guess he wasn't lying when he told me he loved me...

I got a new job (finally!). Im a cashier at a Pilot truck stop. Meh. It's nothing special, but I need some money while I'm in school so I can finally move out. I'm tired of sleeping on the floor (it was a couch but my dad got rid of the old one and got a new one and told me I wasnt allowed to lay on it Yay..) My back is killing me and I'm getting around 30 mins of sleep a night if I'm lucky. Its not healthy -_-

Overall, things have been moderately okay. Hopefully they'll be getting better soon. God willing.

-Evie

Just For The Record

Diets suck.
I'm so hungry.
Meh.

And So It Begins...

[Edit]

This post was stupid.
Haaa

Mmm.
Vodka.

Proud Obama Mama!

Can you believe it? Our first African American president. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that today something was accomplished that many never thought would happen. I'm one proud American today. My first time voting. Watching the election unfold as poll results poured in. One day, when I'm sitting with my grandchildren telling them stories about when I was young, I'll be able to say "I voted for the first African American president". Sorry if I sound dramatic, but I'm really excited to be a part of all this. Hehe. Moving on.


I'm fat. And you know what? It's really not all that bad. Smileyface, lol.

-Evie

Geometry and Green Tea

I've never really noticed how hard it is for me to actually focus on things for more than a few minutes at a time. Mostly with my school work. I'm behind. Weeks behind, actually. Not only that but my grades are falling. I went from all A's to a mix of B's, C's and D's. It's pathetic, but true. I've simply lost interest and I hate it. This year has not been what I had hoped. I shouldn't be taking online classes for my senior year. I should be going to highschool with my friends and enjoying the last year I'll be able to be with them all. But, I guess God had different plans for me.

Anyway.

Wherever I sat—on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok—I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air - Sylvia Plath

So true. No matter what the circumstances, I feel trapped. Like there is no escaping the madness around me. Oh miss sylvia plath, how you so precisely speak to my soul.

Insane in the membrane.

Mmm, indeed...

- Evie

Okay, I swear I haven't died

Nope, I'm still here. Just slacking on my updating (horrible I know!). But gosh, I have been soo busy. Between school, and pictures I'm just swamped. Speaking of pictures, I think I have a goal!
(Woohoo for goals xD)
So... Thanks to FF, I have found a site I would like to apply for. I've thought long and hard about it, and I think the Pin Up Girl direction would be better for me (especially just starting out) instead of doing the more in your face hardcore stuff. Besides, I think right now I'll be more comfortable with the erotic nudity with my progressive weight loss. Hmm... any opinions?
Email or comment me with what you guys think. I'd love to have some feedback.

-Evie

I Always Feel Like Somebodies Watching Me...

Wow. So, I log on here and scroll down to the bottom of my page. And BAM! Im surprised to see that I have had over 80 visitors in the last few days. Its almost too hard to fathom that there are THAT many people viewing this gibberish. Oh well though, I hope you guys are enjoying it =)

Anyhoo... it's 4am. I will definitely post a real entry later.. I just wanted to have SOMETHING down.

Til then...

-Evie

So you had a bad day...

Today, I do not feel like "BBW".
Today, I feel like a "FUH"; Fat & Ugly Heifer.

It all started with me waking up to find out that someone had left a rude, disrespectful comment on my latest picture post on the fat-forums. Maybe I'm over reacting, but when someone tells you that you'd look better "lighter" and that my health is in jepordy, I dont take it too lightly. First off, he might've well said "Hey! You'd be so pretty if you were skinny!" Stop beating around the bush. If you're going to be a dick, be a dick. Dont baby it. Secondly, I'm in wonderful health. More so than alot of skinny people I know. What is it about being fat that makes people assume that the person is gonna die in seven days or some shit. I'm losing weight, even if I dont need to to be healthy. Its cuz I want to.

Second problem today? My family. Im not going into detail, but... I think I'm gonna be homeless soon. Meh. Wtf.

Third. So, me and my family go out to eat. I walk in. This ugly skinny bitch looks at me, frowns, and puts down the food she was about to eat and pushes away her plate. Yeah bitch, cuz one fucking bite will make your stupid ass turn into the michelain men. Bravo, captain dumbass. I'm not going to lie. I didnt know if I was gonna smack her, cuss her out, cry, or all of the above. I acted like I didnt see it though.

Meh. Idk. Things are so bad right now. I need a break. Something needs to give...

-Evie

Mood Swings && Jealousy

Mmm. They do not work for me lemme tell ya.
Im so unhappy with my life as it is right now. And what makes matters worse is I have a faint feeling that it's only going to get worse.
I've been moody lately. And no it's not thanks to my damn period damnit. I don't know what it is. But fact is, I'm sad. And lonely. Increasingly so. Which is actually funny. I get attention.. but maybe it's just not the attention I need? Ehh whatever. That doesn't even make sense.

Oh.. and the jealousy thing. Yeah. Okay.. so I'm a member of this forum for ss/bbw's & FA's, Fat-Forums, and lemme tell you it's addicting. So far I love it. Im even kinda sorta a model on there! And it has been a big self esteem pick me up. But... I can't help but be envious of some of the girls. I'm not saying I hate being fat. I've grown to accept it. But... Sometimes I wished I looked like more of the "plumpers" as I've found they're called. I'm just.. round with a pretty face. And it makes me feel inferrior to those with a full bust and hips and small waist. Like damnit why cant I look like her!! And sometimes, I see these girls that are smaller than me, and they're actually doing the gaining thing! Like.. I have no problem with that but I wanna be like OMGOSH! YOU HAVE THE BODY I WANT AND YOU DONT WANT IT!? Grr. I guess we could switch places though huh? Idk. Im trying to do something about it but damnit its so effin hard. Meh. Depressing

- Evie

[[ Edit; 2:38am ]]

I logged on the myspace today. New messages. Yay? No...

This is what it said --

w/e i aint puttin up wit ur bullshit this time around sorry too bad boohoo so sad. cause on some real shit i noticed tht shit wat i told u on the fone. wen u have a bf its fuck me u cud care less if u talk to me but wen ur single all of a sudden u want me n u love n care bout me so much right??? fuck tht shit. so wat if i was lyin? i said i didnt wana b wit u. not in a relationship. nd yea i mite have led you on but u shoulda been smater then that. i aint the best lookin muhfucka but i got a str8 head on my shoulders now and i noe i dont need tht typa bullshit so take it how u want it shortii. im done with you. its whatever now.

Thats from my ex Carlos. Hmph. Our story is long. But it consisted of him dumping me, leading me on for 6 months, getting mad when I did have a boyfriend, and pulling that shit when I'm single. It started cuz he recently was locked up. This was in july. Before this (from may to that point) me and him were talking. I kept telling him I missed and loved him, and he kept sayin he felt the same but didnt want a relationship. Mmkay. So I hear from him again two weeks back. Cool. We hit it off as usual. I didnt have him on my friends anymore. I go to his page. Whats it say? "I love my wifey 6/28/08". So now Im like wtf motherfucker!! Oh he can be mad at me for having a bf.. but he gets with some bitch when he's sittin there lyin to me!? UGH!!! I swear if I ever see him again. I feel sick. Im angry. I wanna fuckin cry. And eat. I wanna eat everything. Wtf

I need someone... =(

Tell Me If It's You, You, Youu

Yea.
So, I have Ciara's "Promise" on repeat in my cranium.
Why.. cuz it just is.

You know.. it's funny how life opens doors without warning. I won't get too in depth because

1. Its a private matter
2. We've agreed to keep in on the hush hush for the time being
3. I don't really know where it will lead

[[This paragraph was removed. Why? Cuz it was stupid. And I'm stupid. And everybody is just stupid. ARGH!]]

Wanna know what I really, really want? A man. A good man. A man that doesn't judge me because I'm not a size two or under a buck five. A man that is attracted to me, not just because he is a FA && thinks my belly and fat ass are sexually arousing. No.. I've been there, done that, and even brought back a souvineer mug. I need to be held down, mentally, spiritually, physically, all at once. I dont wanna be you're sex kitten. I want to be your beautiful queen. But, alas... I think most guys couldn't handle a woman like that.

Hence why I'm still single.
Pfft...
I'll write more later... til then;
xoxo

- Evie

Burn.

Edit;
I deleted the previously posted crap because I hate being all pitiful.
To sum up everything that was here and has since been erased --
I get really lonely some times, and it sucks donkey ass.
The end.

-Evie

New Beginings.

Hmm, it's been forever since I've had a blog.
But, with all the online stuff I'm now involved in I figured ehh what the hell.
It's under construction right now, so if it starts lookin funny thats why.
Well, I dont really know what to put.
I'll start posting regularly within the next few days.
Sooo yeah =)

-Evie